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| utter confusion. am 24 and still don't understand men at all. so, tigger and i. i told the man, i am not asking for a relationship. i told him, i don't know how one can have a relationship with someone who lives 5 hours away; and i don't wanna know. but this doesn't mean he doesn't have the power to piss me off and hurt my feelings. because, one day, i stay up to talk to him from midnight to 6 am. and he asks me if our relationship is just physical for me or if it's something more. i refuse to answer, which in itself is an answer. and when i ask him the same thing, he says, "if it was just physical, we wouldn't be talking about it, would we?" and yeah i kinda knew that already. and the next day he flies to LA to be with her, and i try not to care. but the truth is, i resent MYSELF for putting myself in this situation. at least she doesn't know.. i have to live with the fact that i accept this arrangement that makes me feel kind of like a worthless piece of shit. and i feel like, since he came back, he doesn't know for sure what to do with the guilty conscience. i mean, i get it, she's more important to him. but he should be a man and make a fucking decision, ANY sort of decision; at least be able to tell me if they're a couple or not. his every answer to my every question is " i don't know." he barely knows his own fucking name. he is a boy. i need a man. a man who, if he's gonna fool around and cheat on his girlfriend with me, should at least have the balls to lay out the facts. like it's not enough that i'm letting him do this, and am not complaining, and am going against everything i believe in... my original plan was, go see him in the fall, and see how it goes, and then, if i realize i have feelings for him, tell him we can't see each other like that anymore. we're either something or we're nothing. but now, when the thought "he picks up her phone calls but he has not picked up one of mine since i've been home" pops up in my head, i realize, this is SO not worth it. u know, he's a nice guy when i'm around him. he's very cool, he's fun to hang out with, i love spending time with him. but to get upset on my summer vacation.. not worth it. we set up a daily aim date. he shows up the first day, but not on days 2 or 3. so i sent a message, a super nice one, saying; you know, this obviously doesn't work for you, lets just cancel it, and i guess i'll just talk to you from the states, no hard feelings, don't worry about it. and he doesn't even bother to answer. so u know what? if in august, i feel like using him, i'll act like a guy, i'll go over there and i'll do whatever i feel like doing with him, and i won't think about the consequences of my actions. like he did with me. i guess then we'll be square. | | |
| not sure how to characterize the time between when school ended and this moment in which i am sitting at yet another airport. i've actually been through 5 or 6 of them in these 2 weeks or so. and another 3 to go in the next 20 or so hours. god, i hate flying. not afraid of it, just hate it.
so yeah, i went on this long trip w my cousin which was cool, nyc, dc and boston - but i'd seen all those places before so doing it the tourist way again wasn't anything new for me. i did get to see brad and jon which was awesome, as always.
and then tigger came to visit me, which was fabulous. we pretty much didn't stop drinking at all. this is where the control part comes in. tigger doesn't want me to like him, and he doesn't want to like me. neither one of us is against physically expressing our appreciation for each other, though. and after 4 days of spending every waken moment together (actually, asleep moments too), things can get tricky. cos tigger's an awesome guy. and i'm an awesome girl. and we click so well. and how do you control yourself? how do you turn the "feeling" part off?
of course, he is right. we shouldn't like each other, and that would make things complicated, and there is no need for it or point in it. we live 5 hours away, neither one of us wants a long-distance relationship, he doesn't want a relationship at all anyway, AND there's another girl on the west coast that he actually does already like. but i could see him having second thoughts.
not easy to make yourself listen to your head when there's a chance for your heart to start talking. but, i guess cos we've talked about it so much, i've been quite successful at it. i think he's one in a million. but i like what we have (if that's the verb to be used in this situation). if we both happen to be single and happen to be in the same city, well that's great, we're likely to have a good time. and if the circumstance is different, we don't think about it.
when there's alcohol in you though, these things aren't as clear to see. and he kept freaking out on me, about how we need to not have feelings for each other. ugh. we drank more bourbon not to feel anything, but maybe it had an opposite effect?
only time will tell, i guess.
right now, though, i really want him to call me back so i can say goodbye to him. it's what one is SUPPOSED to do at airports. | | |
| i missed the killers when they were in europe last summer, because my flight to the states was a couple of days before they came to austria (which is only some 4-5 hours away, so i could've gone to that one). i wanted to change my flight but when i told my father why, he looked at me and said: "buy the CD". i said, "dad, i already got the CD. i got all the CDs." and he said: "good. we saved some money, then." he can be quite funny.
in any case, i'd been stalking their website and the saint louis concert wasn't even showing up there. i was planning on just taking a flight somewhere just to see them while i'm living here because i really love the killers. i love their songs and i love the memories i have connected to those songs. anyway, by mere dumb luck, i opened the riverfront times one day while waiting to be served in a restaurant and saw that they were coming to saint louis and that tickets went on sale 2 days later. stood in line when the box office opened and laura and i got our tickets and i was SUPER excited.
the concert happened on monday. i was so fucking psyched! i hadn't been that excited in like... years. probably the last time i was that excited was when i was moving back to the states - and it can't even compare to this, because then i was also anxious and on monday it was pure happiness flowing through me. oh, what a feeling!
the show was amazing. the band was amazing. the music was amazing. the crowd sucked ass.
you know it's bad when brandon flowers actually said after they played the first three songs: "this is a killers concert, not a killers audition" and then again some two songs later he was like: "ok guys, i know we're at the fabulous fox and it's all seated, but are you gonna have some fun or what?" and half the room is sitting with their arms crossed at a god damn ROCK concert. wtf?!?! these people paid a lot of money for their tickets - to just sit around and listen to the music (if they were even listening)? you could do that at home. i didn't let it bother me too much - i was the little girl jumping and screaming and giving herself muscle pain the next day and losing her voice. i had a blast. i was like; "laura, i know we used to joke about this, but i think i really AM their biggest fan in st louis." and she said: "i don't know, the guy in front of you is giving you some competition." and he was. there were two boys in front of us (with their girlfriends, who weren't having too much fun) who were as into it as we were, and that was good to see, that someone else was actually there cos they WANTED to be there.
i don't really get it... i was expecting a different crowd, a lot more college students probably. there was a lot of older people and a lot of children. neither age group seemed too excited. a lot of couples, and also most of them seemed dead. i was thinking; maybe one of them thought the other liked the killers and bought the tickets? but do these people not talk? do they not ride in cars together?!
granted, it's quite a small venue, and there was maybe 20 people in front of us when we were buying the tickets and most of it was already gone - given away or put on presale i assume, and to these people that didn't appreciate it? or maybe people just knew the two singles from the new album and thought: oh, i hear the killers are like cool, maybe i should go see them just so i can say i went?
spaceman was played at like half way thorough the concert and that got another third of the audience up on their feet (which is where i came up with the previous theory. i actually like the new album the least so it almost made me angry by that point that this is the one thing everyone reacted to haha). by the end of it, most people were standing, but not moving at all. it was all together very surprising to me. i don't think the killers will ever wanna come to the lou again.
which is why i wanna go to the concert in slovenia in june. the european crowd is usually more appreciative cos we don't get to see these bands whenever we want to and for us, it's a big deal.
can't freakin wait. | | |
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i don't understand this. my friend's new boyfriend, who is totally crazy about her (while she's a total player) heard the words "...and we got trashed and made out in front of the whole bar" (giggle, giggle) and he could not stop thinking about it all night. first he said "we should do a three-way kiss". even tho we gave him a wtf look, said "we don't do that" in a serious way (and then started joking around as to not make things awkward), it was obvious that all he could really think about was having the two of us in bed at the same time. when insinuations don't work, just STOP TRYING.
seriously. it ain't gonna happen. what the hell is it about guys wanting to watch two girls make out?
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| i still haven't gotten out of my PJs, it's about 330. i don't have school on thursdays so when i woke up i was sooo grateful for a long day of doing nothing. but i soon remembered doing nothing was SO BORING.
nothing on tv, of course. don't feel like getting out of the house in this disgusting weather. everyone else is at school/work. could be reading for class but my mind can't keep on the page. i read two chapters of quijote but i'll prolly have to re-read them.
i had a really good week. my friend finally snapped out of it; we went out last friday. i saw him for the first time in 3 months and i had so much fun. and i think he had fun too. things are more or less back to normal, or as normal as they'll get this time of year. i mean, with school ending soon and all, our schedules are a little wacky so.. it's not like we'll be hanging out every day but at least we're cool.
so that made me feel A LOT better. then i found myself thinking about eric in this not at all hateful way and i emailed him to tell him about this chocolate i know he'd like. stupid, i guess. but i was thinking about it and i was like; i think i'll be fine if i do it. i'm over it enough to be able to send him a fucking electronic msg if i feel like it. i didn't think he'd respond; and i considered both options and i realized responding or not responding would be equally unimportant to me. and sure enough, i totally forgot about it til i opened by email in the evening and saw he wrote back asking to meet me.
i didn't even blink before saying "no". which is kinda amazing.
i mean... i told him, it's not that i hate you or anything (cos i don't, i could never hate him unfortunately, that would make things easier, but it just aint gonna happen), it just hasn't been long enough and i don't think we have anything to say to each other right now, we'll just get upset for nothing. and he agreed with me. said he just thought he'd give it a shot since he thinks it's a shame that we didn't speak (it's been over 5 months) and that he wanted a chance to talk things out with me even if it means never hanging out again.
and one day, yeah, i wanna sit down with him and talk. but not before i can handle it. not before i can sit there and hear him tell me he's really happy with his ex fiancee and is moving to colorado to be a husband and a father. i wanna feel happy for him and not feel nauseous when i hear that :)
of course, im kinda curious as to what he'd say. but i have a pretty good idea of what it could be, and i know i'd just get pissed off and he'd get pissed off... we really both need to be at a point where we don't care enough about each other to get mad at each other. i don't know how much longer that will take, but it's conceivable.
the e-mail wasn't an excuse to talk to him.. i just wanted to share sth with him, cos i do think about him a lot. or rather, i think OF him. lots of things remind me of him. lots and lots of things - pretty much every space i love in this city, i've shared with him. and so in a way, i guess yeah, this was me taking a baby step to some day being - maybe not exactly friends again, because i don't want to be that involved in his life - but to kind of know we exist and can talk if and when we want to...
so i guess that's why my mind's been spinning today. not cos i wanna see him, i don't. not cos i wanna hear from him, i don't. not cos i wanna know - i've thought about it and i don't wanna know if they're still together. i mean... they are, cos i know him and i know he would've mentioned it if they weren't. point is, that doesn't matter. he broke my heart, and i am not ready to have him back in my life cos he'll do it again. it just always ends up that way. i have to be 100% healed before i can face this man haha. we're waaaay too dangerous for each other otherwise.
i guess what i've been wondering is if there's ever gonna be a moment when enough time has passed.
there should be. cos... i can see him for what he is now. i see his flaws for the horrible things they are. i see his egoism and cowardliness and the pleasure he derives from manipulating and using people. that makes him sound like the most evil person ever haha. he's not though, i mean... we all got flaws. usually tho, we don't let people see them the way i've seen his. and so i don't think he can charm me into trusting him again. but i need to be on the safe side.
another thing i was wondering is, why?! why can't i just let it go? it seems that i can't. cos i was sure i'd never want to see him again, and now it's not a question of yes or no as much as a question of time. fact is that in the end, and it's always been like that with us - whatever has happened between us, we always find a way back. i guess it is one of those things when you're just meant to have this person in your life. even if it's a tiny little piece of them. and i know he feels the same way.
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